Family maternal side

 Hello everyone,

Today will be a day of family, ultimately my family. I can say I love them very deeply, however a good portion of them are twisted, selfish *ssholes. I say this not because I am angry or dissapointed in them I am saying this because it's truly reality that they refuse to seee or address.

Manipulation, narcissism, emotional abuse, physical abuse, and control are the main things that I need to go over because thosee are the primary problems with my crazy family.

Let me start with the #1 person that does these things the most. My mother. Now if she does see this I already know the response, which is sad to say. However, it must be stated. The world must gravite around her. She is a narcissit, manipulative, emotional busive, and controlling. I have also see her be physically abusive a few times, as well as recieved physical abuse from her a couple of time. To me, my mother has always been the controlling person, and with that comes all the things someone can do to be in control. She will lose her patients, then insult you using every words in the book. Saying that you are gaslighting her, stonewalling her, all the way down insulting everything you do that she is not okay with. She blames everyone for her emotional break downs calling people abusive and manipulative, after all the problems started with her. Even in her therapy sessions I believe she is lying to her therapist about her problems. I only say that because I have tried to therapy with her twice and each time it's ended in bad ways with her blaming the therapist for not listening to her or me not refusing to hear her. Over the years I have learned to shut my mouth or not respond which has also turned into her saying that I am the problem. With all of that my communication with her is definitely not the first thing I think about. I do love my mom very much, but there is so much one person can truly handle. Overall, I have recieved all the of the problems, from manipulation to the need of control, from her. To this day I still have insulting text messages from her and I still struggle to get passed the things she has said to me or sent me. 

If you do see this mom, I'm not sorry. I know reality hurts but I want you to see it someday even if this hurts your feelings and you think I am abusive, just ask yourself when was the last time I called you a terrible parent or a c*nt. I know I have f*cked up in the past and I have repetively apologized for what I have done. Yet not once have I heard you apologize with out hearing the words "but, however, that said, etc".

Peson #2, my older sister. Now me and her don't really have a relationship. Honestly, I don't think that we have had one since I was in middle school. With that we were both very cruel to each other through out the years and by the time I turned eighteen we didn't really talk. Now at this point we still don't and I think it is because certain situations we went through were never forgiven by her. I know I have let go of it all, but I don't see the point in cummunicating with her to a certain extent. Again, I love her dearly. That said even if she doesn't believe it, she is a small version of our mother. Obviously she is in more control of her affect on others and doesn't immediately find the worst way to insult you. Howeve, she does have a side that she stands on, and that is our mothers side. She has tried to be the "mediator" but that never works and it is easy to see whose side she is on. And while she can be a nice person and loving she can also be manipulative, verbally abusive, physically abusive, as well as controlling. That said it is usually only family that she attacks, not her patients in the hospital, which I am proud of her for.  However, just like mom, she tends to refuse addressing the things she has done and her own flaws. 

If you see this sis, again I am not sorry for pointing it out. But I need you to remember what all has happend in our past and let it go. I love you and I am sorry for all that I have done to you that hurt you.

Person #3, my step dad. With him it's not necessarily what the first two do. He is one of the ones that recieves the problems and doesn't do anything. He accepts being verbally abused, maniputlated and controlled. He also backs up the behavior of the others. He takes it, then when you stand up for yourself tell you that you are wrong. When it comes down to it he is blind to what happens and what is being said. So ultimately he is part of the priblem by accepting all of it and not really standing up for himself, or others. 

If you see this dad, I'll say it over and over I'm not sorry. I love you but you have become the punching bag for everything and are blind to it.

Person #4, my Nana. Now with my Nana it is definitely similar to my step dad, however there have been plenty of times she has messed up. I have seen her intetionally hurt people mentally, I don't know it physically. I don't know all of the stories but I do she has been through a lot of trama that she did press in on my mom and possibly older sister. But again I don't fully know everything. There have been a couple of times she has hurt me, but my Nana and I have a better relationship with one another than I do with the first three. I only say that because she understood what I needed when the others refused to see it.

I love you Nana, but sometimes you need to communicate your issues better with a therapist or even with your own daughter if you can. I'm not sorry for saying this.

Person #5, my Pop Pop. To me he is kind and loving, as well as my sister, mom and Nana, but I also know in the past and even times now that he has hurt people. Again though I don't know the full story or all that has been done. I just know he has screwed up but I also know he has changed over time.

I love you Pop Pop, but you can be a serious butt face when you want to be.

Person #6, my cousin(s) I love both of them but they are train wrecks. Their addictions and the abuse they have distributed to everyone in the family just makes me want to smack them. I don't blame it all on them though, I also blame how they were both raised. They both were regularly disreguarded for their personal needs as kids. Which I believe turned them into the beligerant butt faces they are. One of them was rarely around and when they were, they showed how they could control and maipulate anyone that cared about him to get what he wanted even though he still ended up in prison again and again. The family really tried to keep him out of there however he was and still is blind to what the family has did and done for him and still is. The second cousin, he has definitely had a bad impact not only on himself but on the family. His addictions and behavior when we were in high school really broke me. Especially since I was the one who helped him mentally more than I should have. I pulled him up off the porch when he was black out drunk or high on whatever, I gave him water and crackers for his hang overs. I even made sure that when he vomitted or had a bad trip that he was ok. Yet I still got bs from him, and even after all of that I recieved more problems. I hate the fact that I have had to cut the two off due to their behavior. No I don't blame you for all of it but I do know the parts that have really messed them up.

I love you but please take a look at the things you have done through out your life to our family.

Person #7, aunt. She raised her boys in a very selfsih manner and still sit blind to what she has done and keeps doing. She has refused to address their issues that they needed help with and is also the main influence on how my mom raised me, as well as my older sister. She ignored her oldests sons problems and didn't really care hwne he ended up in prison. Then she gave up on her younger son when she moved to the middle of nowhere and he ran away from it because he lost his friends. Instead of finding a way to truly solve the problem herself she sent him to live with my mom, older sister, and me. Which just twisted the situation into a bigger problem for him, my mother and me. To this day I still struggle to except her behavior and how she treated her sons.

I love you but I think you royaly messed up your two boys which can't be changed

Person #8, myself. I know I have been cruel through out time. I also know that I have hated myself for a very long time and that the hate for myself has been pushed on to others. It has taken me years, and a lot of painful reality checks for me to see it. That said I am sorry for everything I have done to those in the past and even now. I know that I am not 100% a good person and I accept that. At this point in my life I try to avoid receiving and projecting that on myself, as well as others. I still struggle at times. I also know that I am not ok with it when I do burst out and become a cruel person again. I also refuse to insult people as best as I can. When I am in arguements I have learned to say that this conversation should stopped until we can all calm down, or for it to be let go of. I have also gone through therapy for years to learn how to set boundaries, how take better care of myself, and to not let every insult/controlling behavoir to hurt me or take over what I have. I know I have abusive in the past and I have excepted my mistakes, even the ones I continue to do. I know I am a messed up person and I try to recognize when I am the problem.

To my family I am sorry for being such a pain but sometimes you need to hear the things you have put each other through and the opinions from those in the family even if you don't want to hear it. This may been seen as abusive to you or just blatantly uncaring but I have needed to point this bs out for a long time. I love all of you but you all have taken your problems out on each other, just like I have. Again I love you so I hope you can understand this and I am sorry if it hurts you.

So yeah, that's what I have got for now. Nest time about family will be about the paternal side of my family. However today I am done saying what I have to say. Love to you all that read this and I am sorry if I have hurt you in the past or even recently, <3

F*ck this

    Hello to all you good people,

Today I am going over my emotional twists and turns.

Within the last week my emotions have emotions have been radically changing from one to another. One second I am happy then it shifts to sad, then anger, then self hate, then no feelings at all, and it just keeper rotating through every emotions one person can feel. The part with it, right now, that is driving me crazy and off the hinges is the pace of the emotions. Changing every second it, literally even second. 1 second each every time,

Yes I am bi-polar and have a lot of emotional problems from my past but I thought my medication were help with it. It's just recently that shit started going fucking crazy. I still haven't had of my trauma flash backs either so I truly don't understand what's going on.

I have scheduled doctor appoints as well and even my psychiatry doctor to figure out this mess, even though I this whole mess started with my brain cancer location. 

Honestly, I am wondering why Giai/God has put this on my shoulders when I was already down in the first place. I am begging them to make my life just a little tiny bit easier, even though I know that will never happen. I just tired and fed up with certain things life has thrown in my face. I need a break from myself  and everything else at this point.

If you are having emotional issues to just remember that I am hear to listen, even if my head is being a tw*t.

    All my love to you out there,

    Brittany

Manic-depression

 

    We all know that there are people with manic-depression and I don't judge, I'm just sharing mine.

Today is a bad day, I'm not going to lie.

It's one these days that I really wish I wasn't alive.

Today is a bad day, but for some reason I just can't cry.

I'm trying hard to just get through today with my MD pushing me into what I call "the hole" which is nothing literally a hole of my brain shoving everything deep down under as a emotional protection. I don't know where it cam from to be honest. I am not even sure what it is about. I just know I feel numb, meaning no emotions going through my head. Sometimes I feel a bit of fear when I go into this mode cause it leads to me wanting to hurt myself to actually feel something. But today is different. Today I don't feel a single thing. I don't want to hurt myself but I want to vanish. Like poof I'm gone, and even that does not really click. It's kind of like I am flooting out of my body but not at the same time. 

Thanks for reading

Brittany

It’s One of Those Days

 

    My PTSD is biting hard with my manic depression wanting to drag me to the dirt. I am so tired of all of this. It’s exhausting, and as of right now too much to tolerate right now. I am angry with my brain being on this traumatic rampage. I’m very much ready for today to be done. 

Realized

 Over the years I have been dealing with a lot. From having a kiddo, to having cancer, to fighting cancer for 3 and 1/2 of years, to now having a different life from what it have originally given me. Over the past 10 years I have had more happiness than ever before. That said I still have my regular yearly bites. This is the major time of the year where the bites are really hard. This year has been harder than others, the flashbacks have been strangling me emotionally. With strong fluctuations from happy to furious to self hatred and more, with fast switching from one to the other. 

I know that compressing it and not letting it out is no good for me, but I am feeling more and more like sharing it is just a huge burden for the others in my life. I know the people around me can acknowledge the problem but I still just feel so isolated with the problem. I have been working on it for a long time but it seems like this year it’s just wanting to tear its way through me. 

I know my emotional issues are hard to understand but it would be nice for someone to be in my shoes for a bit. That said I know it’s not possible 

Mental Break Down

   Mental break downs don’t happen often but when one does happen it turns me into a tragic mess. My brain will continue to speak negative about even the smallest things or about myself in general. 

This was from last night before going to bed, yes I was crying:

At night, I truly wonder why I immediately think, “Why am I even alive?”

In return my brain said “Why, do you even ask?” 

I then say to myself “cause deep down suicidal thoughts are really dragging me into the dark hole it puts me in.”

Then my brain decides to say, “Your just over it. Life I mean. When was the last time you were actually happy for more than an hour? When have you ever actually been emotional stable? It’s so rare that even I (brain) can’t fix it and you are just tired of trying to fix it or make it better.”

And in all honesty all I want is silence, to never leave bed, be invisible to the world because of how much hurt I have been through my life. I am ready to see the dark of death or the “light at the end of the tunnel”. The only part that makes me worry is what will happen to my son and that’s why I still live.

Just wtf

 I have started working again and I am happy to be doing so. The issue is figuring out what is best for my son, since I’ll be working 8-4. The after school program kidslink has officially reached the point of a big WTF! $1988.00 total for 37 days. You have got to be kidding me! You expect a parent making 18$ an hour to pay $60 a day for about 2 and a half hours of work. I mean I understand that it needs money but I can’t afford that, even sharing the cost with my son’s father puts us in a bad spot financially. Just f that big time.