Now this is where I pause....
Hmmm, how do I start my blog?
Where do I go from here?
I have things I want people to able to read, as well as hear.
But seriously where do I go from here?
In this whole process of finally making my decision to open this up and fallow through with a personal goal of mine, I am truly surprised to realize I am not sure where to start with this. I am probably no the first blogger to state this, I am aware. Yet my brain is still wondering what I should start with. So I guess I will start with who I am.
On October 8th, 2019, I turned 27, through out my whole life I have been through a ton of different changes that has had me change myself so many different times. So maybe I should back in time a little bit.
Life was always a challenge for me when I was growing up, of course whose life wasn't a challenge. We all go through the tough times as we grow up in our lives. Of course in my younger days I was a spunky, happy little kid that slowly turned into the pain in the ass through middle school. But my family was struggling with me once I hit high school and of course were in chaos. I was a rebellious little brat during those times. If someone told me not to do something I would give them a middle finger and do the exact opposite, even now there are times that I still do this. However two major things really changed it call, in more than one way after I graduated school with my GED. At first it was simple for me- work, apartment, bills, social activity, etc.With in the first year of me living individually I ended up getting pregnant from me being irresponsible and partying to much, as well as playing with drugs. When I found I was pregnant I dropped everything to my tiny human.
I ended up moving in with my Mom and Dad again due to works illegally taking me as a working with some b.s. reasoning where as I know it was due to my pregnancy. But whatever, I had my son and everything was going well for that time. When I moved out again it was with my son's father and all that jazz. What I didn't realize at the time was that I had being changing who I am for my son's father. I became someone I didn't recognize. Through that time things got harder and harder, with me going to college and trying to take care of my son with barely enough help from his father to get me through. So I turn to my family more that him for help, which only worked around their schedules and not mine. As things got harder with the relationship with my son's father, shit really hit the fan.
On December 31st, 2013 I had a grand mal seizure that had me rush from the Bozeman hospital to the Billings hospital. That whole trip/appointment for me was a loopity loop of not fully being there due to all of the drugs in my system that doctors had given me. But ultimately I learned that I had a tumor in my brain. It took us all a bit of time to figure out the situation and what to do about it all. So when we finally decided where we were going there was definitely a lot of drama and tension through everyone. We got stuck in Portland, Oregon for about a month maybe a month and a half, I struggle to remember some of the times out there, for the appointments to be scheduled at OHSU. Thank god for the Ronald McDonald House charity cause I was still considered to be young enough for their program other wise we probably be on the streets if we didn't have their help. But finally we got through that time and my first craniotomy on April 4th, 2014 for diagnosis of what the tumor was. The test came back as Anaplastic Astrocytoma Grade 3 cancer. I had one of the most vicious and panic break downs possible for me with a strong urge to break things including myself.
I was broken, when we journeyed home and even more when we got home. I was in the darkest part I had ever been through. I fought with everyone and every thing physically possible. My biggest issue though was with my son's father. I remember the day that I finally lost myself completely. I was trying to get through the day the best I could and was prepping to have a clean apartment, as well get my shit together for the next trip for my second craniotomy. Then when my son's father finally got up and out of bed he instantly told me that I wasn't taking care of him well enough emotionally, as well as his "physical/sexual" needs. We started to argue, loudly. I felt like I was not worthy to him, which made me mad and could only see red. I will say that the steroids didn't help with my anger for shit, just made it more.That said the argument led to a physical fight between us in front of our child.
After that fight we were done, he refused to even go therapy over the problem. I was told that I ruined it all, I felt like a major failure. I was emotionally broken from all of the things that happened and ended up having to move in with my parents again, which was even more heart braking. I felt like I had been kicked to the side with the support I wanted and needed from the one I loved. I felt abandoned even though my family was there.
However in June I had me second surgery on the 6th in 2014. I recovered from the surgery really well then started radiation and chemotherapy. My depression definitely was kicking me hard through all off this and I cried more than I have before.
Then things hit me extremely harder. Those things were going through the court over custody of our son. The part that took me down was the attempt of taking my son away from me with the one thing accusing me was my cancer. It sharp daggers hit me so hard that I felt like shouldn't live. This lasted for about 6 months. When the court finally decided that I would have main custody I was relived but also did feel whole.
Overtime I learned to love myself more than others, even if it seems selfish at the time it was very much needed. So I pushed through chemo and continued to push for about 4 years. When I talked to my doctors near the end my white blood cell count had dropped and the doctors decided to take me off of treatment. That was the biggest relief at the time. Now after all of that I am even happy, feel like myself, and have great support from my current partner, as well as my family.
So at this point you know so far most my back history. The next blog I do will probably be more about how I am now, how my cancer is doing at this point and what I am working to do with my life.
Thank you all for reading and I hope you enjoy.
Brittany
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