My PTSD is biting hard with my manic depression wanting to drag me to the dirt. I am so tired of all of this. It’s exhausting, and as of right now too much to tolerate right now. I am angry with my brain being on this traumatic rampage. I’m very much ready for today to be done.
Over the years I have been dealing with a lot. From having a kiddo, to having cancer, to fighting cancer for 3 and 1/2 of years, to now having a different life from what it have originally given me. Over the past 10 years I have had more happiness than ever before. That said I still have my regular yearly bites. This is the major time of the year where the bites are really hard. This year has been harder than others, the flashbacks have been strangling me emotionally. With strong fluctuations from happy to furious to self hatred and more, with fast switching from one to the other.
I know that compressing it and not letting it out is no good for me, but I am feeling more and more like sharing it is just a huge burden for the others in my life. I know the people around me can acknowledge the problem but I still just feel so isolated with the problem. I have been working on it for a long time but it seems like this year it’s just wanting to tear its way through me.
I know my emotional issues are hard to understand but it would be nice for someone to be in my shoes for a bit. That said I know it’s not possible
Mental break downs don’t happen often but when one does happen it turns me into a tragic mess. My brain will continue to speak negative about even the smallest things or about myself in general.
This was from last night before going to bed, yes I was crying:
At night, I truly wonder why I immediately think, “Why am I even alive?”
In return my brain said “Why, do you even ask?”
I then say to myself “cause deep down suicidal thoughts are really dragging me into the dark hole it puts me in.”
Then my brain decides to say, “Your just over it. Life I mean. When was the last time you were actually happy for more than an hour? When have you ever actually been emotional stable? It’s so rare that even I (brain) can’t fix it and you are just tired of trying to fix it or make it better.”
And in all honesty all I want is silence, to never leave bed, be invisible to the world because of how much hurt I have been through my life. I am ready to see the dark of death or the “light at the end of the tunnel”. The only part that makes me worry is what will happen to my son and that’s why I still live.
