Sleepless nights

2:40 am

The day is long

The night far to short

Silence is needed

In the head and the outside

Shut down now

Close those eyes

Try and sleep through the night

My brain tonight has reached full haywire. From thoughts of the past to the thoughts of the future my mind just won’t stop.

Every little detail, ideas, thing that happened, may happen, chores that need to be done, and the list continues. With my brain playing music like a fucked up radio station in the background of halfway played songs and my inner asshole (negative part of my brain) screaming the worst things it can think about. The worst in me, life, and others. So with all of that my emotions are going crazy and has joined into the rampage.

If only I could make it turn of like a light switch or shut down like a computer. But when this starts it sometimes takes day for it to stop. Leaving me exhausted, some what unable to function while still having to force  myself to function. It is truly nights like this that makes me wish I was placed in a psychiatric ward for them to sedate me.

The last couple of months (Aug-Sept)

It the last couple of months there has been a lot of things.

When it comes to this time of year, I am in a struggle with things. From the start of August all the way until June my life is a challenge. Within that time my sons birthday (31st of Aug) happens with family/financial issues occurring, after that my boyfriend has his birthday in September while still struggling financially. Then October hits, my stepdads birthday is the 1st, then mine is the 8th, and of course Halloween/Samhain (pronounced as saw-win) which is my personal favorite holiday for my paganism. Yet even that time I continue to struggle financially, especially on my Social Security income (both disability and not working) which really is not enough for person to survive on. Then November comes and we all know that thanksgiving is right around the corner, so there is a ton of things to for preparation, but you should also be buying Christmas presents ahead of time (probably starting in September) making it even harder for bills. Then there is family pressure within this mixture of things, that progressively turns into never ending arguments. Then the “happy” new year begins. For me it is the start of strong PTSD, with crazy emotional swings/fear of multiple memories (yes I have a therapist for this). Those continue, usually, until the start of June, yet I also get them in different times a year too. 

*If you have questions about my PTSD I am willing to do a question/answer blog.

 Honestly, just typing this right now has me wanting to roll my eyes at life, I can feel stress building from thinking about it. 

So yes at this point of the year, I have already had a couple of break downs and have had a plethora of other emotions from the family around. I kind of feel like I am drowning, yet I also feel like I am bobbing in and out. That said I think my words have come out in away that has helped me. Thank you for reading this if you.

I hope all of you have a good evening.