The Holidays

 Oh, the holiday season. When everyone asks for things that cost hundreds of dollars, trying to pay bills, and by half way through have no money left in their pocket. I will say I am the grinch when it comes to any standard holiday: Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, 4th of July, etc.

I just can’t stand the “needs” of the holidays. Every year it drive me insane and at the end of every year, I look back and ask “what the hell is the point of this again?” So while most people enjoy the holidays I am the one sitting in the back grumpy with the entire situation because of the selfish behavior I witness with all of it.

My main issue is the fact that people demand things with holidays. Thanksgiving, you must be all together with your family/loved ones or you are ungrateful. Christmas, you must by what people ask for and homemade gifts are unacceptable. Easter, the “bunny” has to provide sweets and eggs that really don’t get eaten after found. 4th of July, buy fireworks for celebrating that we are independent when we are not. Blah, blah, blah. I mean yes I am fond of Halloween but people are still demanding which drives me insane. 

But to each their own right?! I don’t usually bring this up but I have seen more selfishness in the last couple of years when it come to holidays and I am just tired of it.

What I want for Xmas is homemade goods, with love in them. Homemade drawings/paintings or ornaments with names on them and years. Pretty much anything that is made by hand and from the people I love. That’s all. 

:( I am sorry for being the grinch but at the same time I am not.

That said I hope you all have a wonderful Xmas or Yule, blessed be to you all.

The Frustration with the Government

Hi 

I hate our government a lot of the time cause the system is just a chaotic ball of trashy bullshit.

 With my disability a lot of things tend to be a pain in the ass, like going through renewal paperwork for SNAP or figuring out why I have a $229.00 bill from the hospital for my son getting a covid test, that Medicaid should cover. I already know that today is going to be a long rough day at this point and I woke up at 7 am just to try to get a hold of DPHHS to discuss the bill that I got. I immediately called them right after waking up cause I know, almost always, that the call is going to have a 1 to 4 hour wait to actually be able to talk over the phone. Also their call back thing is just straight crap, you try to schedule a call day and then they tell you when the next available day is. You choose that for the call back day, then you get told you can choose a time. You try and pick a time, with the call literally telling you that the time you are looking for is already take. So you choose another one… bet you can guess where that is going. Yup the time is already filled. Then when you finally get a time for call back, it usually isn’t the actually time you aimed for. It ends up being a day or two late, at the earliest time in the morning.

 That is why I have called the DPHHS so early this. I have already hit the about an hour wait, which I am not shocked, just sick of dealing with this. It’s a tiring ordeal.

Medicare isn’t much easier, picking which co-company connects to it and covers the best. Having to calling both M’s (Medicaid/Medicare) to understand why a medication was not covered like it should be. These things always have me wanting to bang my head into a wall based on how frustrating they can be and the waiting time for both.

I will say that it is surprising how easy it is to get contact with my case worker for Social Security, I swear that it is the easiest government set up for access to. However, the paperwork and documents, discussions as well as assistance is not so easy. If you actually go to the offfice it takes a lot longer than expected to get called back to talk to said case worker, then to get through everything it is usually an 1 to 2 hours to get through it. But still easier than SNAP/HMK/Medicaid.

Our government should make this simpler and well as more available for all USA people. The cost of company health insurance is just ridiculous, and the fact that it takes hours, sometimes days, to actually get contact with someone is just as ridiculous. Just like all prices on medications, seeing doctors these days, or dentist. The cost is just a good way for citizens of the US to die off over time or avoid everything they truly need for themselves to survive cause they can’t afford it.

Also if the GOV actually reads this, I highly doubt they actually do anything to help because corrupt companies are what rules the GOV not the citizens like it should be. Honestly I am really wanting to start a riot with my frustration with out GOV.

I know I am complaining a lot it there is always logical reasoning for it.

Being disabled by cancer, after being a very stronng independent person transferring to a dependent is a good way to make someone frusterated with even some of the smallest things in life.

Much love to you all you read this.

Me bitching

 I know I complain a lot on here but there is good news at this point for myself at least. 

-Been working on my resume to find a 20 to 40 hour job, with hope that they can understand my disability when it comes to my energy.

-Still working on my emotional issues with my therapist, while also making the strong boundaries I have staying standing. I am no longer tolerating the words that have been/are thrown my way. 

-I am still working and learning about selling my art online. Definitely a struggle but worth the time I do believe.

-Remembering to take of myself everyday.

-Loving the support and affection from my own tiny little trio of family.

So to you all that read this, thank you for tolerating my bitching about life. We all know that life sucks a lot at certain point, so I do appreciate you actually tolerating me.

Life is odd which makes everyone and oddity.

Love you all.

Just S***

 Today is a tough one. Between trying to find a good lawyer for multiple things, I am also working on scheduling my MRI and fallow up with the cancer center doctor I have, checking my bank accounts to pay my bills, cleaning up my own office/art room area, looking for a decent job in Belgrade due to gas prices, getting a hold of my child support case manager and pick up my kiddo at 3:30. So I don’t really have much time left to get things done.

The lawyer is for personal needs at this point to help me be in more control of myself, my medical stuff (power of attorney, living will, regular will, and a restraining order for more than just me.) so I have called  nine lawyer offices with only two or three, I can’t fully remember how many, answering the phone call with one calling me back. The news from them was, “Sorry but we can’t help you with this”.🙄 If you can’t tell I just rolled my eyes.

With everything else I just am very frustrated and annoyed with today. Again rolling my eyes.

Sleepless nights

2:40 am

The day is long

The night far to short

Silence is needed

In the head and the outside

Shut down now

Close those eyes

Try and sleep through the night

My brain tonight has reached full haywire. From thoughts of the past to the thoughts of the future my mind just won’t stop.

Every little detail, ideas, thing that happened, may happen, chores that need to be done, and the list continues. With my brain playing music like a fucked up radio station in the background of halfway played songs and my inner asshole (negative part of my brain) screaming the worst things it can think about. The worst in me, life, and others. So with all of that my emotions are going crazy and has joined into the rampage.

If only I could make it turn of like a light switch or shut down like a computer. But when this starts it sometimes takes day for it to stop. Leaving me exhausted, some what unable to function while still having to force  myself to function. It is truly nights like this that makes me wish I was placed in a psychiatric ward for them to sedate me.

The last couple of months (Aug-Sept)

It the last couple of months there has been a lot of things.

When it comes to this time of year, I am in a struggle with things. From the start of August all the way until June my life is a challenge. Within that time my sons birthday (31st of Aug) happens with family/financial issues occurring, after that my boyfriend has his birthday in September while still struggling financially. Then October hits, my stepdads birthday is the 1st, then mine is the 8th, and of course Halloween/Samhain (pronounced as saw-win) which is my personal favorite holiday for my paganism. Yet even that time I continue to struggle financially, especially on my Social Security income (both disability and not working) which really is not enough for person to survive on. Then November comes and we all know that thanksgiving is right around the corner, so there is a ton of things to for preparation, but you should also be buying Christmas presents ahead of time (probably starting in September) making it even harder for bills. Then there is family pressure within this mixture of things, that progressively turns into never ending arguments. Then the “happy” new year begins. For me it is the start of strong PTSD, with crazy emotional swings/fear of multiple memories (yes I have a therapist for this). Those continue, usually, until the start of June, yet I also get them in different times a year too. 

*If you have questions about my PTSD I am willing to do a question/answer blog.

 Honestly, just typing this right now has me wanting to roll my eyes at life, I can feel stress building from thinking about it. 

So yes at this point of the year, I have already had a couple of break downs and have had a plethora of other emotions from the family around. I kind of feel like I am drowning, yet I also feel like I am bobbing in and out. That said I think my words have come out in away that has helped me. Thank you for reading this if you.

I hope all of you have a good evening.

Frustration

 These last few years have been a lot for people in general. I feel that it is just ridiculous how much pressure, stress and nonsense that has been going on. High house rates, low income, Roe vs Wade, medical bills/prescriptions, the high gas prices, the lack of food stock, climate change, etc. It's all together just ridiculous, and our government is a waste at this point on both sides. That said, this rant is over, and I am going to just get through today.

Throughout the last few months, I have been struggling to keep my brain calm for me to paint. However, things just won't stop. I feel like my brain is trying to pull me up, down, left, right and nauseating circles with how it won't stop giving me ideas and then immediately forgetting them; just continuously handing me on going head aches and lack of sleep. So, I am just trying to make it through every day. Sorry for no sooner updates on paintings or even on this. I am hoping I will be getting back into my normal groove here soon, and I know patients is key it's just freaking annoying at this point.

I hope you are all feeling better than this. My heart goes out to you all that read this, and I hope you have more wonderful times throughout the rest of this year. Apologies for the rant just need to get it out, next time I will try to be more positive on this. Love to you all.

Britt

    

The week that has been hard

 Hello all humans,

    Just needed a way of kind of venting today. This week my depression has hit hard in a form that I haven't felt for a very long time. I call it the numb sensation; I am over all feeling tired from this all of it. However, deep inside I feel no emotional feeling. It's a strange feeling that I haven't had since I was self-harming in middle school and high school. Which the self-harm was placed there to actually feel something, not suicidal attempts but just desperately wanting to feel anything that would bring me back to my actual self. So, at this point I am wanting the pain because it's been lasting so long. Yet I know I won't be self-harming any time soon due to the fact that I don't want the vivid scars that come from it. What I want for the pain now is beautiful art permanently attached to me and shiny piercing. Alright that is my bitching for today.

    I am trying to understand Procreate better for my work, definitely progressing slowly, as well as painting still. Sorry for not keeping updates going for everyone that is fallowing. But I am still working on my artwork as much as I can. I will be uploading more photos for all to see and I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. :)