Just wtf

 I have started working again and I am happy to be doing so. The issue is figuring out what is best for my son, since I’ll be working 8-4. The after school program kidslink has officially reached the point of a big WTF! $1988.00 total for 37 days. You have got to be kidding me! You expect a parent making 18$ an hour to pay $60 a day for about 2 and a half hours of work. I mean I understand that it needs money but I can’t afford that, even sharing the cost with my son’s father puts us in a bad spot financially. Just f that big time.

Brain function gone

 Getting through today is a challenge my brain is shutting down easily on pretty munch off and on. One minute I can focus, the next minute I am gone. Even right now I am forgetting what I was fully going to type. I will try and come back to this tomorrow cause I am gone.

Blood by MCR changed for a medical joke

Well, they encourage your complete cooperation

Send you roses when they think you need to smile
I can't control myself because I don't know how
And they love me for it, honestly, I'll be here for a while

So give them drugs, drugs, gallons of the stuff
Give them all that they can take, and it will never be enough
So give them drugs, drugs, drugs
Grab a bottle because there's going to be a bunch

A celebrated man amongst the gurneys
They can fix me proper with a bit of luck
The doctors and the nurses, they adore me so
But it's really quite alarming 'cause I'm such an awful fuck (oh, thank you)

I gave you drugs, drugs, gallons of the stuff
I gave you all that you can take, and it has never been enough
I gave you drugs, drugs, drugs
I'm the kind of human wreckage that you love

I know it is not that great of a word change but it goes through my head on a regular bases, this song I mean. The original Blood by MCR use pops into my head randomly and my brain changes the word blood into to drugs. So I have finally figured out the change in the song that my brain makes. :)

Manic Depression plus other things

 The triggers that can cause the emotional pain that coming with this being a person in general. That said not everyone has the same emotional struggles, they are equivalent to my emotions just in a different way, and I accept that. The only issue I have is the process of the trigger. Let me make it clear what I have first. From after the traumas I have gone through I have multiple emotional disorders, not just physical. I have been diagnosed mentally with bipolar disorder 1, high anxiety, PTSD from multiple things, and suicidal depression. So when a break down hits, be it manic or not, I reach a new place mentally. I will say I am great full for having therapy as well as being fully diagnosed and placed on medications. The episodes aren’t a brutal as they were before all of this

Honestly, just typing this I am not content cause I tend to only tell people who are close (total 5) so me just doing this has my on an intense level.

Long day = Monday

 Everyone hates a Monday and it is totally understandably. It is annoying to wake up early after having a break from everything, and since it is the beginning of the week usually there is 2x as much work that normal cause a lot of customers are very impatient with the day due to their own day/night time problems that happened over the weekend or the previous week that is coming back to you. 

For me, Mondays are as pain in my ass because of me trying to get shit done. Meaning appointments to visit doc, dentist, therapist, etc. As well as bills, signing up for my own car insurance (finally), going through paperwork related to SNAP, Medicaid, HMK and trying to keep myself from going bonkers while doing so. Oh, Mondays how we all hate you.

What happened

 So I have decided at this point I am going to tell you how my life went from the usual, human life that ever one has to the break down of how it crumbled. 

Before my cancer I was a strong, independent person. I worked, paid my rent, lived with roommates and without. In general doing well, even after I got pregnant with my son, I busted my ass to keep myself and life stable. Like pretty much every human being does, just trying to stay afloat and accomplish the goals I wanted to accomplish. After having my son I did try going to college to get myself an Associates of Arts degree and possibly a bachelors degree.

Then everything radically changed. It was, if I remember correctly, my second semester of getting my degree (which I was doing slowly) and was struggling with the relationship I had with my sons father. The night of my grand mall was the night of New Year’s Eve in 2013, I was masking dinner with my son attached to my hip. I had a screaming migraine, one that made my eyes scream with it, so I stepped outside to settle myself down. I felt like I was over heating, very nauseas, stressed, exhausted, light headed and in general not good. I personally thought it was from having a lot of stress after going through the semester while dealing with my son, his father and not taking good care of myself because I was focused on being “perfect” for the cruddy relationship I had with my sons father. As those feelings felt they were getting stronger, I felt a huge flush of fear. I squatted down to trying and calm myself, while also trying to figure out what was going.

Suddenly everything turned black. I don’t remember much of what happened after that. I remember playing with my son, not realizing that dinner was still on the stove, getting mad that the ambulance was there, even more that I had to go to the hospital. Then it was all gone again, a little further a head I remember hearing the sound of the helicopter I was in for my life flight, and again not much after that. Then my biggest memory is when the doctors in Billings (MT) were telling me what was going on and that they wanted to do a punch biopsy. Needless to say I was so hopped up on so many drugs that I thought my sons aunt on his dads side was my sister. I also agreed to the doctors for the biopsy like a drunken idiot.

After that I was sent to the cancer side of the hospital before I was able to be discharged. When I was discharged my body was slowly getting rid of all the drugs they put in my system. We didn’t even make it back to Bozeman (MT) on the day we were traveling back home. I ended up throwing up a ton, feeling week and still, I will say it, hallucinating from the meds. So we stopped, I can’t even remember where. It was a rough patch trying to get home. 

From there on things got harder/worse. I struggled to remember things big time, had to cancel with the Billings center and find a more advanced group to help me with this. It was a lot.

In March of 2014 we ended up in Portland (OR) for me to meet the doctors that were going to be my neuro doctors. Surgeon, oncologist, radiologist, etc. Then the plan how it was going to happen. It took that entire month to get the information I needed and everything that was going to happen. Finally in April I had my first craniotomy (4-4-14) to have it diagnosed, after that I learned what it was. Anaplastic Astrocytoma grade 3 cancer. Yes, I had an angry mental freak out brake down full of panic, self hate and just in general angry with every doctor I had seen before. The doctors before of this happened I felt like not a single one listened or didn’t believe me when I explained my migraines. I was so angry that I wanted to break anything near me, I saw red and just wanted to just hurt people/things. 

After that first surgery the doctors put me on a steroid which just made all of that anger 10x worse. I was livid with everything around me. I wanted to die but also hurt everyone physically that I could, except for my son.

Things just got worse over time and I did a lot of things I still regret doing. Like abusing my sons father, trying to kill myself, and in general going completely insane. Not kidding when I say insane. I had multiple break downs, tried to escape Montana after having a breakdown- bad enough to abandon all of my things besides my son- and ultimately think I should have been put into a psych ward to stabilize me. I was radically hating myself, hating life, hating everyone around me and just not myself. At the end of May I was no longer with my sons father, had moved back in with my mom, dropped out of college, and started the hard journey of dealing with all of it.

My second craniotomy, I was even more terrified than I was of the first one. I thought it was going to be the death of me. I kept telling myself that it was for my son to have a mom, but my sister had to harass me and kind of drag my ass in for my second one. I was in full panic with major emotions poring out of me, crying radically and embarrassed. I went in fully terrified with both my mom and my sister sitting by me while they put a relaxing drug in me. As I was wheeled to the room I cried even harder and they gave me more of that drug. 

When we got in there, I remember getting on the surgical table praying to my pagan gods and goddesses asking them to keep me living for the one person that matter, my son. Of course they sedated me for a bit, then I was woken up to identify where I would loose certain things. Things like loss of speech, loss of physical movement, etc. What most people don’t know is I remember waking up, which is a rare thing to happen. I woke up asking what was happening and why my head felt funny. The doctor explained it to me and I started to panic. That’s when he started talking to me about my kid to calm me down, while the anesthesiologist put more of the relaxing med in me. I remember after that talking more about my son, with hearing the fluctuations of my voice and strange physical sensations. Both came with one of the nurses listening and physically testing me to inform the doctor as what was going on. I remember her name too, Katherine. Then not much more of the surgery. After that I remember waking up in the MRI, with pain from the catheter, being told to identify stuff in pictures that they were showing on a screen like thing in the machine. Then I was sedated again.

When I came to in the ICU, I felt like pure hell with a major amount of questions. Like when will this catheter was going to be removed cause I had to pee and it hurt, why was there a bag with a tube attached to my head, and can I have something to help with my head cause it feeling like it is on fire both inside and out. The nurse thought I was insane with the first thing and told me to try peeing through the catheter. I laughed and said I tried that all ready. It didn’t work so that was dealt with like it should have been when I first asked. After the ICU, I was transported to the recovering area then was aloud to leave.

When home I pretty much immediately started the treatment for my cancer. Radiation with chemo.I did radiation for about a month and a half, then chemo for about 3 years. It was pure torture. In the process I learned not a lot of people know how many ways chemo is used. I was taking the oral version of it instead of the IV version. Its name was temodar, and taking it was like having a period more than once a month. I would have to take the drug for one week each month at a high mg dosage, then recovery from it would take a week. The week of recovery was also the usual time of my period, so it wasn’t an easy thing to get through. Then I would have one week where I felt semi ok and then the week after that I would have to start chemo again. That regimen for 3 years was exhausting. My doctors finally took me off of the drug when my blood cell count started to drop radically on the 3rd year. 

To this day, I still have to go in every 6 months for an MRI, which is always torture, and regular visits yearly in a different state. No longer Portland, thank god cause I hate that place. Now it’s Salt Lake City (UT) which isn’t much better cause of the anxiety from seeing them and telling me my cancer is back. That said, so far there is no new growth. Just a stressful life, filled with things being 10x harder for me to get through or deal with.

All of this in my blog today has made me have a crying session while typing to for now I am done going over this but there will be more to my oddity of life.

Much love to you all.

Brittany

Ouch

 I think, at this point, a large portion of people know what reality is. Does it always have to be a pain? I was doing simple things, like some chores and dying my hair again, and through out the day it has been a painful day. Primarily physically. The annoyance of it is strong.

1. Stubbed my left pinky toe.

2. Then my right.

3. Bonked my head on about five times.

4. Dropped multiple things on my right foot.

5. Then a slip down the stairs with a hot flash happening.

All of those were a large pain, all I can think is at least I didn’t fully tumble head first. Just one of those days. The random things that happen when it comes to reality. Some days, like today for me, are literally a pain in the ass. I just need to remember that there are good days. But I don’t want to right now.

What is my brain doing?!

Weird thoughts and rhythms have been going through my head in rapid order. Causing songs to play, then change to a different one, at some point decides to put a poem it decided to come up with.  Then continuously repeat with multiple different patterns of the same things. Rapid start of song, then new song, with randomly a poem it thinks I should keep. Repeat, repeat, repeat… Just ugh….. I, at least wrote one to try and get my brain to shut down. Didn’t work but I tried. I will share it with you.

Tick…. Tick…. Tick…. Tick…. Tick…. Wha, what the fuck?…. Tick…. Tick…. Where is that coming from?…. Tick…. Tick…. Tick…. Tick…. Tick…. *quiet voice: it’s coming…. Tick…. Tick…. Tick…. *quiet voice again: you can’t stop it…. Tick…. Tick…. Tick…. *quiet voice once more: can you feel it burning…. Tick…. Tick…. Tick…. Tick…. Tick

I hope you enjoy that. My heart goes to everyone, much love to you all.

Brittany

Forgetting or forgotten

 Days like today really drive me bonkers. My brain always struggles now, due to surgery, to remember things. Some days better than others. Like Monday I remembered all that I needed to get done- scheduling doc appointments, dental appointments, balancing check book, pretty much just getting things done for the day. But slowly through out the week I started to forget things left and right. Well today so far has been the hardest for me. As soon as I woke up I had realized that I completely forgot to right down what I was planning on doing for the day, which does set my days off. So I had no clue wtf I was doing. Slowly certain things popped up but disappeared immediately after it popped up. So about half way through each thing I was doing (laundry, art room clean up, even eating) I would forget what my goal was or what I was doing. After chemo and all of that, things are just a pain sometimes. Usually I am good at the start of almost every week (not always) but this week feels like my brain just stopped functioning. Shit just me working on this, I forgot I was working on it until my son pointed out to me. *hand palm to forehead*

Just ugh… That is all.

Much love to you all!   

Money

 We all know money is pretty much the treasure we need to survive but what truly made money needed? Bartering goods or services always seemed like a good thing in my mind but now a days there is no really no use for it since money became a thing. Through the history I have read money became a thing around 650 to 600 B.C. The reason why? It facilitated exchanges as a measure of value, brings diverse societies together by enabling gifts and reciprocity, perpetuates socially, and is a medium of state power. Which in general makes sense but ultimately I struggle to see the positive portions of it due to the demand for it. At this point most money isn’t actually (most of the time) the gold and silver it used to be. Now it is more paper or plastic cards. Access to it is through a bank unless you hide it some where from others, and even then hiding it doesn’t have much benefits. 

“Because putting your money in an FDIC-insured bank account can offer you financial safety, easy access to your funds, savings from check-cashing fees, and overall financial peace of mind.” -https://www.fdic.gov/getbanked/pdf/top-reasons-to-open-a-bank-account.pdf

^this to me this is contradictive to what it actually is. I have to trust others for financial safety, with it being easy to access the funds? But to get access I have to use a card, check, or go to the bank for withdrawal to be noted and taken care of. Ultimately I don’t see it as a peace of mind due to having to balance the account, talk to the bank about issues, and no regular time/visit for questions or needs.

I know I am just bitching but I hate money and how it is used. I guess that is all I have to say.

So I hope you all have a better day, with no frustration. My love goes out to you all, even if you don’t read this.

Brittany